The President’s 2014 State of the Union Address will surely go down in history as the pinnacle of wise constitutional statecraft. If you recall, President Obama astutely discovered two previously unknown superpowers of the chief executive office, as only a former instructor of constitutional law would know: the pen and the phone.
You’re probably aware that presidents have possessed these two great powers for a while now, but only recently came to know and appreciate how to wield them. For example, rumor has it that whenever the White House phone would ring, Ronald Reagan would attempt to answer the front door. Dwight Eisenhower, they say, once tried to wear his phone as a hat. And I even hear that Washington, upon being presented with a new presidential quill, wondered where the rest of the chicken was. Only now do we see that the presidential pen and phone can actually be used for a great moral and social good to bypass a stubborn and reticent Congress that has no business representing the American people.
Rant all you want, Congress, but who do you think you are? It’s the proverbial rat’s nest in there, full of uncompromising, bigoted, backwards-thinking plutocrats. They speak of the old trappings of “limited government,” “natural rights,” and “liberty.” Congress, everyone knows, has nothing to do with making laws – because pens and phones are banned at all times throughout both chambers.
Back in the dark ages, presidents possessed only the power of the sword per the restraints of the Constitution. But obviously, a sword won’t do you much good nowadays, so Obama has rightly retired it (along with our ancient reliance on horses and bayonets). The pen, after all, is mightier than the sword. He’s also retired our outdated Constitution, because, let’s face it, the thing is old and very difficult to understand (like our parents, who keep yelling at us to move out of their basements). From what the president has told me, we don’t need the Constitution anymore to tell us right from wrong. We can now, thankfully, rely exclusively upon him and his glorious omnipotence courtesy of Bic and Verizon. After all, Obama’s always telling me “the right thing to do.”
Finally, I realize sadly that Obama won’t be around forever. And since we no longer have that rustic and annoying Constitution to follow, may I proffer a solution? I recommend that we re-brand all future occupants of the presidential chair with the title of “Obama.” Perhaps, then, they will inherit some of his wisdom and power. Now, I’m sure there’s no example in history of such a thing, but innovation and progress are what made this country great in the first place. Oh, and we could get him or her something appropriate to wear on his or her head in remembrance of Eisenhower and the importance of the phone in presidential history, and also a really, really big pen to hold. And maybe a cape (like Superman). And trumpets. We definitely need trumpets.